Mothers care about their children from birth and, of course, we want the best for them. We educate them according to our values and we see them grow, expecting them to become good people, to have personal and professional success, to be happy, etc. So far everything from manual and, of course, we all believe that we do it wonderfully.
But time passes and children become adults, begin to live their lives, become independent, marry or live with a partner, have children or decide not to have them, and we are witnesses to all this, but what happens when we do not We settle for this, but do we want to have a leading role in their lives? Well Perhaps we are, without knowing it, controlling mothers who have not understood the role that we have to play in the lives of our adult children.
How to know if we are controlling mothers
A controlling mother is overly protective with his children so he usually worries too much about them, creating problems, even where there are none or not allowing the children to take their own risks and decisions.
On the other hand, often live life through what your children do or experience. This means that they do not usually have their own social life – or it is minimal – independent of their children.
Another characteristic of a controlling mother is that believes with the right to decide about the future of their children (what job to choose, the apartment to live in, with whom to share your life, etc.) and does not accept that his opinion is not taken into account.
In addition, it also usually use guilt as a weapon to control the children with phrases such as ‘with what I have sacrificed for you and that is how you pay me’.
And finally, another quality of a controlling mother may be the use of excessive criticism towards their children which can cause their insecurity and dependency.
How to avoid being a controlling mother
Perhaps we can think that it is not so bad and that it is logical to worry and want to be part of our children’s lives and we will be right to do so. But, if we take it to an extreme and see that the relationship with our children has deteriorated and is not as good as we would like, perhaps we should correct something in our behavior.
So, if we comply with all or some of the previous points, we can remedy it if we take into account some of these recommendations:
- Being aware that we are is already a point in our favor That will make it easier to solve it because we have detected the problem and we want to overcome it.
- We must learn to be happy and enjoy life beyond our children so it is absolutely necessary to take care of our social circle and look for activities and hobbies that we like without having anything to do with our children.
- Count to 10 (or to 20) before picking up the phone to call a child if we have already done it recently. That is, avoid calling him several times a day for any pretext.
- And when we talk to or see them, we must strive so that the conversation does not always revolve around them or their lives. You have to have other topics to talk about that can strengthen the relationship and prevent the children from thinking that we want to know everything about them in order to control them.
- And of course, have an open and respectful attitude towards the decisions they make. We can advise them or give them our opinion, but not try to influence excessively or force them to do what we think is best.
- Finally and very important, it would be to make an effort in have a good relationship with our children’s partners. It is absolutely key, whether we like it or not, to get a good relationship with them.